My Fetal Wisdom by Bey Bozeman

Friday, June 26, 2015

Strange name for an article, huh? Well, let me say this: As you go through college, you come to revelations. You think these revelations are wise—that no one has thought of them before, and that you’ve uncovered the reality of the world that no one else your age has had the intelligence or depth to discover.

Most likely, these epiphanies come while talking to an old crush and after consuming one too many glasses of Pinot.  Fact: these epiphanies aren’t “deep”. You think they’re deep because, well, that’s more or less in our genetic code— to think up things that we believe make us wiser than another person. So, given this, I’m almost sure that whatever I’m about to spew—though it seems wise now—is in fact something I’ll laugh at in a year and slap myself for ever publishing. Well, alas, here we go:
I graduated from college last month. It’s been exactly 26 days. I know this number either because I am so bored out of my mind that I have nothing else to do but long for the days of drunken parties and mindless studying, or because I haven’t really found what it is to look forward to. Probably the latter. Either way, it’s been an interesting few weeks. I thought I’d get home and have a breakdown—I thought, that after all the excitement of graduation week, I’d come home to an empty town, an empty house, and empty days, and it would all get to me. I thought I’d break down on my living room floor within the first four hours of returning home with one clear subtext to all my meaningless rants: “What the fuck am I going to do now?” Well, truth be told, I haven’t done that. I’ve been alright. In fact, I didn’t have my first breakdown until last night and it didn’t have anything to do with graduating. At least this is what I’ve convinced myself.

I’ve spent the past 26 days with limited social interaction. I’ve been reading. I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I’ve immersed myself in this new, strange passion of web development. I’ve even started collaging! (Hands down my greatest pastime). And all along, I’ve pretty much been alone. Which means, of course, that I’ve had a lot of time to, for lack of a better word, philosophize. I used to pride myself on my ability to unravel the intricacies of life. I would tell my friends “Well, once you take hold of your life, it’s all up to you.” That’s bullshit. The truth, as far as I’m concerned, is that there is no rhyme or reason to anything. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t believe everything happens for a reason—maybe it does. But we have limited control over what happens to us. So many aspects of this world— be it political, economical, even personal— are completely out of our control. So where does that leave us? That’s not the most hopeful thing for me to say, is it? Well, I think it means, in a strange way, that things will happen to us. Things will be thrown at us, and they may suck, and we can’t control what those things are a lot of the time. The only thing we can control is what we take from it and the kind of person that deals with it. We can deal with a horrible situation in a good way—that is up to us. We can be that mature person that responds to a sucky situation with class and grace. And that doesn’t mean that whatever has happened to us is any better. It could still suck. But responding to these things in a certain way is what will actually bring us one step closer to being wise. The way we deal with the cards we’re dealt—that is what provokes epiphanies that ultimately makes us wise people. It’s what constructs our mentality and philosophies. Well, what’s the point, you may ask? What is the point in responding in a classy way? What if I just want to throw my fists against the wall and have a tantrum (much like me last night)? That has to be allowed, right? To be honest, I haven’t quite gotten that far. I don’t know. And, trust me, it’s a big deal that I’m even admitting I don’t know. Cause I don’t.

I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say I feel a little lost right now. But, maybe in a few years, I’ll have it all together and I’ll miss the feeling of being lost. I’ll miss not knowing what I’m doing or what’s coming next. So for now, I’m going to revel in the fear. Because, well, at least it’s something, right? It’s much better to feel something than feel nothing at all.

So, here it is folks: my fetal wisdom at its conception. When we get into the first trimester of my wisdom, I hope I’ll have more concrete things to say. Or, at least things that I can back it up with some sort of confidence. Right now, I’m just spewing. But hey, if that brings me one step closer to some sort of real epiphany, that’s not so bad after all, is it? I hope so, cause for now, it’s all I’ve got.

Interested in contributing like Bey?

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